Joke off thread...

G

gearsoup

New member
Everyother forum has one, so why can't we? ???

I'll start:

How do you stop a baby from crawling in circles?

Glue it's other hand to the floor

Pirate walks into a bar, with the ship steering wheel hanging from his belt buckle. After some time, curiousity gets the best of the bartender. He says to the pirate: "WTF is up with the ships wheel?" "AAAAARGGG" say the pirate, "tis driving me nuts".....

NEXT!

 
A butcher won the lottery.

He calls home and tells his wife, "honey, pack your bags, I just won the lottery!!"

She says "that's great! Should I pack my summer stuff or my winter stuff?"

He says "I don't care, just pack it all and get the hell out!"

 
Two men were talking. "So, how's your sex life?"

"Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex."

"Social Security sex?"

"Yeah, you know: I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!"

 
Ooooh Mrs. EcksJay would love that one...
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Two blonds walk into a bar

You'd think one of them woulda seen it.

Whats a blonde say after sex?

Thanks guys!

 
A neatly dressed salesman stopped a man in the street and asked -

"Sir, would you like to buy a a bottle of this mouthwash for $200.00?"

Aghast, the man said, "are you NUTS?, that's robbery!"

The salesman seemed hurt and then tries again -

"Sir, since you are a bit irate, I'll sell it to you for 1/2 price at $100.00?

Again, the man replies bluntly - "you must be crazy pal, now go away!"

The salesman then reaches into his briefcase and pulls out 2 brownies and begins munching away on one of them. He tells the irate guy -

"Sir, please share one of my brownies since I have annoyed you so much".

Unwrapping the brownie, the guy takes a bite; suddenly, the guys spits it out and says:

"HEY," he snarled, "this brownie tastes like crap!!!"

"It is," replied the salesman. "Wanna buy some mouthwash?"

 
Q. What's the Cuban National Anthem?

A. Row, Row, Row Your Boat

Q. Where does an Irish family go on vacation?

A. A different bar

Q. What did the Chinese couple name their retarded baby?

A. Sum Ting Wong

Q. What do you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?

A. A speech impediment

Q. What does it mean when the Post Office's flag is flying at half-mast?

A. They're hiring

Q. Why aren't there any Mexicans on Star Trek?

A. Because they're not going to work in the future either.

Q. What do you call a Mississippi farmer with a sheep under each arm?

A. A pimp.

Q. Why do Driver Education classes in redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?

A. Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

Q. What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?

A. The southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with a recipe.

Q. How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the "F" word?

A. Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell "BINGO!"

Q. What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale???

A. A northern fairytale begins, "Once upon a time..." A southern fairytale begins, "Y'all ain't gonna believe this raisin."

Q. Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?

A. Because all the Mexicans who can run, jump or swim are already in the United States .

 
And one more:

According to a news report, a certain private school in Victoria,

BC recently was faced with a unique problem.

A number of grade 12 girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back.

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done.

She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.

Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

 
A blond gets home, pulls her car into the garage, gets out and starts blowing into the exhaust pipe.

Her blond room mate enters the garage and sees what she is doing. The room mate asks her why she is doing that.

The blond replays, "I have a dent in the door of my car, and my mechanic said if i blow really hard into the tail pipe the dent will pop out."

The room mate laughs and says, "that's never goes to work."

"Why not?" the blond asks.

The blond room mate tells her, "Because you still have the windows rolled down, duh."

 
President Bush, First Lady Laura and Dick Cheney were flying on Air Force One.

George looked at Laura, chuckled and said, "You know, I could throw a $1,000 bill out of the window right now and make somebody very happy."

Laura shrugged her shoulders and replied, "I could throw ten $100 bills out of the window and make ten people very happy."

Cheney says, "That being the case, I could throw one hundred $10 bills out of the window and make a hundred people very happy."

Hearing their exchange, the pilot rolled his eyes and said to his co-pilot, "Such big-shots back there. raisin, I could throw all of your asses out the window and make 56 million people very happy."

 
Billy Bob and Jimmy Ray were on their lunch break from their job in the saw mill in East Texas one day when Billy Bob said, "Jimmy Ray, we gotta get better jobs. We can't work in a saw mill all our lives."

"How are we gonna find better jobs?"

Billy Bob said, " we need to get ourselves college degrees! Jimmy Ray, we're goin' ta college!"

So the next day they called in sick and drove down to College Station, where they each met an admissions counsellor at Texas A&M University.

Billy Bob was sitting in the office with his counselor, who told him, "Well, son, I think you should start out taking courses in science, history, and logic."

"Logic?" Billy Bob asked, "what the hell's that?"

"Well I'll demonstrate," said the counselor. "Do you own a weed eater?"

"A weed eater? Yeah."

"Well, from the fact that you own a weed eater, I can assume that you have a yard."

"That's right."

"And from the fact that you have a yard, I assume that you own a house."

"Yeah, I do."

"From the fact you own a house, I presume that you have a wife."

"Betty Sue, that's right!"

"And from the fact that you have a wife, I can conclude that you're heterosexual."

"Wow!" said Billy Bob. "That's amazin'! I'm comin' to this school!"

Billy Bob stepped outside and ran into Jimmy Ray. "So what courses are you takin'?" Jimmy Ray asked.

Billy Bob said, "I'm takin' science, and history, and logic!"

"Logic?" Jimmy Ray asked. "What the hell's that?"

"I'll show you," said Billy Bob. "Do you own a weed eater?"

"No," said Jimmy Ray.

"Well,then you're queer."

 
Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and saw it go into the woods.

Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace.

Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could not contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother.

"Mommy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane.

I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt.

Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane......."

At this point Mommy cut him off and said,

"Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time.

I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."

At the dinner table, Mommy asked little Johnny to tell his story.

Johnny started his story,

"I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane.

I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt.

Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off,

then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Army."

Mommy fainted!

Moral:

Sometimes you need to listen to the whole story before you interrupt.

 
What's the difference between New Hampshire and Vermont?

In NH moosehead is a beer, in VT it's a felony

 
Ok - gonna take some crap for this one, I can tell:

It's a dark and stormy night. Lightning is crashing, and there's a path meandering into a foreboding looking wood. A child molester is holding the hand of an eight year-old and they're walking down the path into the forest. The eight year-old looks up at the molester and says in a pitiful voice "I'm scared!" The child molester looks down and says "YOU'RE scared? I have to walk out of here alone!"

 
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