Joke off thread...

one night this cop pulls over this older couple and asked the driver a older man (do you know way i pulled you over)the man says no ( well you were going to fast) bullshit says the man. i was not. Yes you were says the wife in car. then man says shut the hell up. The cop goes to the other side of the car and says is he all ways like this. She reply no only when he's drunk >
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This is probably one of the worst jokes I have ever heard, and I repeat to everyone BEFORE telling ... if you are in any bit religious, you may go to hell just for reading this .. be warned

Why did Jesus stop playing hockey?

He was tired of being nailed against the boards! >
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To hell I go!

 
There were three boys all in third grade: an Asian boy, a Spanish boy and little Joel. They were trying to think of games to play at recess when the Asian boy got an idea. "I know," he said, "we can play,

 
2 Aliens crash land in the middle of the desert. They've come to earth to take over the planet. They walk miles across the empty desert and end up at an abandoned gas station.

The captain walks up to a gas pump and says:"Take me to you leader."

The gas pump is stubborn, so it doesn't say a word...

The second alien says:"Don't mess with this guy, He's a bad Mother F'er!"

The captain say:"Ssh! Don't interupt. I'm the captain, I know what I'm doing..."

The captain tells the gas pump again:"TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER!"

*crickets*

The second alien pleads:"Don't mess with him man... He's a BAD MOTHER F'er!"

The captain says:"Shut up, I know what I'm doing...."

The captain tells the gas pump again:"THIS IS YOUR LAST WARNING... TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER, OR I"M GOING TO SHOOT YOU!!!!"

The gas pump refuses to say anything....

The captain grabs his buddy, takes 2 steps back, pulls out his LASER and shoots the gas pump....

BOOOOOOOOOOMMMMM!!!!

 
Oh,sure. It's all funny for 40 years. Then you get singled out and suddenly it's offensive.

[sarcasm,sarcasm,sarcasm,sarcasm,sarcasm]

 
[Kelloggs Frosted mini-wheat commercial, starring Michael Jackson]

{young MJ}

"The kid in me likes the frosted side!"

{changes to present-day MJ}

"The grown-up in me likes the kid in me!"

[/Kelloggs Frosted mini-wheat commercial, starring Michael Jackson]

 
A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down. The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen. She dresses quickly and goes to find him.

The son sees his mom and asks, "What were you and Dad doing?"

The mother replies, "Well, you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it and help flatten it."

You're wasting your time," said the boy.

"Why is that?" the mom asked puzzled.

"Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up."

 
A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York the day before Thanksgiving and says,"I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.

"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams. We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her."

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this,"

She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "they're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way.

 
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